When what you think it is not reality - our boys orphanage

So, the other day I saw a post about some news regarding Ethiopian adoptions.  The big part of this announcement was that you now have to travel 2x, but also included in this was a list of orphanages that closed.  Listed on this was the orphanage that both Zinabu and BT were at.  I immediately emailed our agency to find out why and did not get a super clear answer but it seems like it was not for unethical behavior but for conditions of the orphanage.

This broke me up.  For several reasons.  The first and hardest is Zinabu was at one of these orphanages and he got sick there and died.  I started wondering what if he was somewhere else.  Would he have been okay.  Did they not take care of my little boy?  The second was that I had built up the idea of this orphanage in my head.  I even read what I wrote a year ago when I picked him up and said "oh how you were loved."  Now, maybe he was loved and conditions of the orphanage may not have anything to do with the love the nannies provided.  But I had built it up in my head like this great amazing place and to see that it was so bad that it was shut down hurt.  Now, I know BT was just a baby but those are emotionally very important developmental times and I kept wondering could there be a side effect from it.  I thought he seemed very happy when he was got him and wouldn't say he was not cared for but still I wonder.  I have also emailed a few families whose children were at these 2 orphanages and even though some said they were surprised others said that they thought it was a good thing and that they were not surprised based on some things with respects to their children.

It is just heart breaking when you find out something you thought of one way probably was not.

I am doing much better about it now but it was a hard few days to take it all in.  I am still very thankful for the nannies who loved him.  Even though it may not have been what I had imagined it was something.