The one year anniversary of Zinaub's death

Today marks the one year anniversary of our sweet son Zinabu's death.

Just thinking of the pain and hurt we experienced at this time last year brings tears to my eyes. I can remember exactly how the phone call went from Kim. It was horrible and I basically fell to the ground and cried and screamed. Logan was at swim practice and some ladies there, whom I did not know, had to drive us home. Andrew was gone. My friend Sarah was over ASAP. I remember Heidi coming and sitting with me on the bed, putting her arm around me and just crying. I remember my friend Beth bringing over dinner and Andrew finally getting home and just having him there, finally, because he understood the pain. I remember shouting out to God "why" as I laid on the floor and hit and kicked it and being so angry and hurt. How could He take our son. I remember wanting to hold Zinabu and lying on the couch with his picture on me and imagining holding him and rubbing his sweet little body.

The pain and anger and grief we experienced was so overwhelming.

To many he was just an orphan we were referred. To us, he was and is our 1st Ethiopian son. He was a precious gift to us. This little boy made an impact. We raised so much money last year to help other orphans in Ethiopia. We were able to share with a friend of ours what the grief of losing a child is like as they had a friend who lost theirs. In this little way I felt like our little boy is still impacting this world for the better.

We still talk about him, especially Logan.

I hated this day a year ago. The pain of losing him still hurts but the joy of Brandon Tsedeke is so alive. Sometimes it is hard because we had to experience one to experience the other. I don't always get God's ways but they are not mine to get, just to trust.

I think about Zinabu's Mom. She made a decision that had to be so hard and felt like she was giving her son a better life and he did not make it. My heart still breaks for her. I was told that they told her but we could not meet her b/c it would be just bringing up bad memories. I often wonder if she knew Brandon Tsedeke's birth mom. Do they both know I love their sons or how I pray for both of them?

So today, please pray for the orphans of this world. Thank God you have food and health care. Maybe, in honor of our son, do something to help those in need. Sponsor a child (we do and met our child in Ethiopia and it too was life changing), donate money to help feed the hungry here in the US.

Zinabu will not be forgotten and will always be loved and one day we will hold our son in our arms. I am thankful for him. Sometimes I think what if someone else got his referral and had to go through the pain of losing him and I realized I would not give up the pain. He was ours and was meant to be. He is part of our family and our story. He was chosen for us if even for a short time on this Earth.

Hawaii

We are back from Hawaii. We went there with my family to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday.

We had a great time but boy are we beat. I figured we would hang out on the beach and just relax which we did but we also went and went. We were so exhausted at night. It was so nice having my parents and sister there to help with the kiddos. It was a great vacation.

Here are some pics. We went to the volcano to watch the sunset (we were going to do the sunrise but decided 2:30 a.m. was too early to leave), Ashlea & Andrew went surfing, Logan, Kendra, Andrew, Ashlea, and I went snorkeling and saw dolphins, my folks and sister went on a zip line, and my folks and L&K went on a helicopter ride.

And Andrew & I had a date day!

Brandon is also walking and is working on his 6th tooth!



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High Chairs, Screaming and Father's Day

We are going to Hawaii in a few weeks. We are staying at condos. To get a high chair it is 15 dollars per day plus tax. How crazy is that.

Brandon Tsedeke does not like to sit in high chair. He wants to crawl out. He thinks it is so funny. And I don't have the straps anymore (it is over 6 years old and our other kids never needed them). So he likes to stand up and then step on the tray. He just smiles and thinks he is so funny. Of course, we are right there and don't leave him their by himself. But it makes dinner time hard and quick.

2 nights ago Andrew & I went to bed (well, probably more like it he went to tuck me in to bed and then was going down to work) and guess what - our bed was full. Not with one child, but 2. Logan & Kendra had both moved into our bed and were lying right next to each other. So cute. We slept in their beds that night. Kendra said she liked our bed better and would sleep there from now on :)

Brandon likes to scream. I mean it is hard to hear anyone or anything with as loud as he screams. Kendra also likes to scream. One of her favorite super hereos is black canary who has a super power to scream and defeat folks. Well, Kendra and I were downstairs and Brandon and Andrew were upstairs. Kendra lets out one of her screams and Andrew said Brandon looked up, smiled, and then started to scream. I laughed when I heard him answering his sisters scream and Andrew said it was like he was being called to with the way his face lit up and he then started to scream:)

We bought a tent the other day and were going to go camping this weekend but all sites were full. But we did camp out in our living room last weekend.


This weekend we did Father's day on Friday. The kiddos made Andrew a cookie jar and we baked him 5 different types of cookies (I am tired of baking). They greeted him at the door with wine, we had his favorite dinner (meatballs) and then had cookies. We then went for a walk and watched a movie. It was a great night. Yesterday we went hiking at Muir woods. All 3 kids loved the giant redwoods. We went for a hike that is pretty steep uphill the whole 1st half and L&K did amazing hiking. They got tired on the way down but they did great and Kendra's new favorite tree is the redwood.

Well, today Andrew wanted pizza so I made pizza for him. Now we are all hoping to take a nap while B does and we might go see a movie. I hope Andrew has had a great Father's day weekend!

And last thing - Brandon Tsedeke is 8 steps and counting.

Battle in NC and Strawberries in CA

Here is a conversation with Kendra yesterday who is obsessed with her birthday party (which will be in March) and marriage. There were 2 boys in her preschool (one of which also lived across the street from us in NC). She is always saying "Ryan and Hayden fight over who is going to marry me!" So we asked her when and I am not for sure she replied but we also asked who she was going to pick and she said "I am going to fly back to NC and then they are going to battle to see who marries me" So, Ryan and Hayden are going to fight for my daughter's hand in marriage:) Too funny.

We also went strawberry picking with my friend Cara and her 2 boys. Here are a few pics. The strawberries are incredible (we are done with all we picked but we did make some smoothies, strawberry shortcake, dipped them in chocolate, and just ate them up).

Notice Brandon Tsedeke's snotty nose. His shirt was soaked in strawberry juice and even with stain stick being applied once we got home the stain still did not come out (but guess I should not have dressed him in white).

One Year Ago Today Our Lives Changed But Not How We Expected

It was 9:02 a.m. and the phone rang one year ago. It was "the call." The call you wait for in the adoption world.

We were referred a 2 month old little boy - Zinabu. We were so happy, excited, in shock. He was beautiful and we were told he was in good health. What a joyous feeling. A few days before I had gotten to the point where I had lost faith that our agency would ever start giving out referrals again.

But today was our day. Obviously the dreams we had for our little boy changed over the next 6 weeks.

We still miss him. We are so blessed he came in to our lives. He is missed. I find, now more then probably ever, I wonder what he was like. See, Brandon Tsedeke just fits in as a Vaz. His laid back personality was able to handle so many transitions during his first few weeks with us. I wonder what Zinabu was like and I wish I had asked when I was at his orphange. Did he smile a lot, cry a lot, sleep well? I want to know more of this son of ours whom we never met in person or held physically, but who touched us beyond words. Who became part of our family. I wonder if we would have changed his name and if so if he still would have gone by Zinabu as everyone who knew him and us called him Zinabu. I wonder why he had to die. I don't get it. Part of us changed the day we saw his picture and the day he went to be with his Father in Heaven.

So many folks never were able to see a picture of the little boy whose eyes grabbed our hearts the moment we saw them. So here is our first Ethiopian son.

Questioning Myself???

Hi,
So one thing I have found about adoption is that there are new questions that make me wonder if I am doing a good job. Questions that did not exist with my biological children (well some might have).

The first is: Bonding? Okay, I truly think (well, know) that he is. I feel so connected to him. He amazes me and makes me a better person. He delights our lives! Yet there are times I go get him from his crib and he does not smile. Then I am like, oh, is he not bonding with me? Is he not happy to see me? The thing is, I know it takes him time to just wake up but yet I find I still question myself about bonding. L&K did not always smile when I went to get them but I never thought anything of it. It was just what happened that day so no thoughts of are they bonding with me, do they think of me as their Mommy?

The second is: Scrapbooking. Logan has a big scrapbook, Kendra has a little one. Brandon will probably have a little one as well (plus his life book which I need to get working on). I hope he understand that my time is more limited with 3 and not that I don't value his pictures as much. I know most 3rd children do not have as big as photo albums but I never want him to think it is b/c he is not my biological son.

The third: Dating. When can I leave him to go on a very much needed date with my husband. I am scared to leave him as I do not want him to feel abandoned. I know others have left their children b/c of work but we have not and I just don't want to mess up the bonding that has occurred. L&K both cried when we left them with sitters so I know it is normal at this age and it only last a few minutes but that first time is always the hardest and their are new fears in my mind.

The fourth: Ethiopia. I want to make sure I incorporate Ethiopia as much as I can in to our lives. But when we took on international adoption I also realized we needed to incorporate Indian (mainly Manglorean where Andrew's family is from) culture in to our lives too. So now, me, a white born American, has to make sure I bring both Ethiopia and India in to our lives. Not that I can't do it but I want to do it well. I want them to feel a sense of pride in their heritages: American, Ethiopian, and Indian.

The fifth & sixth: Church & Does he look like me?. Okay we are searching for a Church. It is hard b/c we are looking for one that we like, we feel we can be connected in, one we can grow in, and one that has a diverse population. Now, I know all folks don't get this but in reading it talks about having your child be around people who look like him or her. Well, first off, does Andrew count? He has brown skin and was one of 2 Indian kids in his HS so he gets being different based on the color of your skin and your features. All books are written for white families adopting non-white children. So, can B look at his Daddy and say he looks like me. The other day we were at the park and a lady thought Andrew & his Dad might be Ethiopian so they have similar features. The other is how do we pick a Church. Which one of the things mentioned above is priority. I think I know the Church I would pick but it was predominately white. We tried another one which was very diverse but the sermon did not move us? How do we pick which is right for all 5 of us. Right now, we are leaning towards the diverse one.

The seventh: Too much. Taking on homeschooling, a 3rd child, and moving has been hard. The support that I had in NC is gone and even though it is there over the phone (and has been utilized much) it is still hard. Andrew has taken on a new job and his job is very time consuming and draining. I feel drained each night. Problem is how do Andrew & I get filled up? Normally we could do it to each other but we both took on new jobs and they take time. I try to do the best I can and be positive around the kiddos (they don't see the times I cry and tell Andrew how much I miss NC and my friends and our neighbors). I question when life out here in CA will seem normal. When we have friends not 30 - 70 minutes away. When will L&K&B make friends that they see regularly. How do we make life seem normal out there? This one is not really an adoption one but a life change one. Just thinking about how much I miss the people in NC brings tears to my eyes. I never had friends like the ones out there. They are incredible. My little group of friends supported us through so much (infertility, miscarriage, the death of Zinabu, the 3x it took to pass court) as well as just supporting us when we were sick and when we were happy. They rejoiced so much with us when we brought Brandon Tsedeke home. How I love them. And I knew I had it good. I knew how amazing my little group of friends and neighbors were.

Okay, I am just going on now and need to go make dinner!

What's going on

Well, we had a good weekend but we are beat. We started looking for house and different areas around here, went to a kite and kid festival, tried a new Church whose service was 2+ hours (but L&K loved it but it is hard to keep a 12 month old occupied for 2 hours), and sweated in the 102 degree weather without an ac in our house.

We have been off of school for a little over 2 weeks and had fun celebrating both L&B's birthdays. We had my Mom & sister visit as well as Andrew's folks. So it has been a fun track out.

Today, we are back to home schooling. I have to say I missed it and the first few days without the schedule of home schooling during the day threw me for a loop. I was used to life with home schooling.

Oh yeah, and yesterday was 3 months since we first held B. How quickly time is flying. He is doing well. Loves to walk while holding our fingers and continues to smile a lot!

Enjoy your Monday!

Logan is 6 and the in-laws are visiting

Well, I am late in doing this but our oldest is 6. I can't believe it. My baby is 6. 6 just seems so old. Like, wow, I have a 6 year old. He is such a kind and loving little boy. He has to be the sweetest kid I know. Really, he is. The other day we were out and he used his own money to buy me a dolphin necklace. He is always giving of himself for others. He truly has a servants heart and I pray the he uses it to serve others and glorify God.

Here are pics from his birthday. I did not have candles so he had to blow out the lighter 6 times :)

My in-laws have been in town the last week and we are having a great time. Here are some pics from their visit.

Kendra & I also got our hair cut. She got 4 inches cut off and I had about 7 inches. I really like my hair so much better. I am glad I quit being lazy and cheap and just went and got it done. I feel so much better.

Brandon Tsedeke is ONE

Our sweet little baby boy is one.

Here are some pictures from his birthday (on Thursday) and from his 1st birthday party (Saturday).

As for what he is doing at the old age of 1:
1. Crawling (it has gone from a belly crawl to a hand and knee or hand and feet crawl)
2. Blowing kisses (this is new)
3. Stopping to clap anytime anyone says "yeah" or claps
4. Eating and loving it (he was not a huge fan of the cake and mainly tried to fling the icing off his hands)
5. Talking - and a lot (just not yet saying mama)
6. Pointing to my nose when I say where is Mommy's nose
7. Pulling up and cruising
8. Smiling and laughing and more smiling and laughing
9. Dancing, he hears music and starts moving
10. Waving bye bye

Happy Birthday son! Logan's is in 2 days :)

A comic from a guy who works with Andrew @ Cisco

Andrew told him the only thing that was missing was his wife beating with a stick him saying "why did you make me move?"

2 months

Our sweet son has been with us now for 2 months.  Time has flown by.  

Brandon Tsedeke is doing wonderful.  Just yesterday he started crawling on his hands and knees (before it had been a very fast army crawl).  He loves to scream, dance, and smile.  

He laughs more and more each day.  Kendra & Logan are doing well.  Kendra had a few rough weeks but it seems to be getting better.  But we have had a lot of change so I understand why it was hard on her.  They both love playing with him and he looks for them. 

He still likes to suck on our noses but now that his two teeth are fully in it hurts as he will all of a sudden bite down.  

We are doing well here in CA.  The 3rd week was a hard week for me but overall they have been really good.  We have been trying to get our and try new parks and have started to meet up with old friends.  

We had a great Easter.  We are still on a hunt for a Church but are enjoying it and wanting to find the best place for all 5 of us.  

Here are pics of Brandon Tsedeke 2 months ago and now as well as some Easter pics!  Have a joyous weekend.  We have a fun one planned of dinner at friends' house tonight, a birthday party and baptism tomorrow, and a birthday party on Sunday.

Change is Hard

So, we went to our old Church for Easter. The sermon was great.

It is funny though how hard change is. When we first moved to NC we had trouble finding a Church b/c I wanted one just like MPPC. We finally found HCC and liked it but there was part of me that wished it was more like MPPC. Now, after 7 1/2 years at HCC it is what I know and I would not change the things I wished were different before. So now we find ourselves back at MPPC and I am wishing it did a few things like our Church in NC.

We enjoy the sermon and are going to try one of MPPC satellite sites.

We will see. I know we need to get plugged in to a Church but I want to make sure it is the right one for all 5 of us where we can grow in our walk with Jesus.

Also, HCC's children's ministry. It is the only one I know and it was so top notch. L&K were both learning so much and the security for picking up the children allows you to feel super secure. L&K both enjoyed Sunday School at MPPC and were so ready to go.

I think the one down side about home schooling and having a limited amount of friends (and none in the general area) is that the kiddos don't have other children to play with. We do get out to parks and I am trying to find home school groups but not a lot of luck so far.

In fact, last week I had absolutely no adult contact from M-F, minus Andrew. That is so hard when I am used to having contact every day with friends, as are L&K.

But I keep reminding myself that I hated NC the 1st year. I had quit my job and was looking for a new one. Once I found a job it was a job I did not like. I did not have many friends in NC and the friends I had from the past and I had grown apart. But in the end NC became our home and I met the most amazing people who are the most amazing and loving and supportive and honest and caring friends I have ever known. So I keep telling myself, hang in there. Give it time and you will make friends and find where you belong out here in CA.

But change is still hard.

I'll post Easter pics soon. I am way behind in everything.

I am still enjoying having the kiddos around all the time and teaching them. I am just finding it hard to get other things done b/c I teach them when B naps and it is so hard to do things when he is awake because he is everywhere!

Well, we are off to get our CA driver's licenses today.

Here are some pics from our 1st 2 days in Ethiopia. The family is the family of the child we sponsor through Compassion International.

CA

So the weather has been absolutely beautiful since we arrived in CA. It has been great. We have been outside everyday and we are all loving it.

Here are pics from us at the beach last weekend. We met my good friend Cara and her husband and 2 sons at the beach and for dinner. It was a lot of fun and I know L&K had fun playing with Diego.

Things here are okay. I mean we are enjoying ourselves. We got the garage all organized as well as the playroom and we found our one missing box of bathroom stuff (it was in the grill). I miss my friends though. I miss being part of their day to day lives.

But enjoy some pics of Brandon Tsedeke's first time at the beach or in the water. He crawls on his belly so notice the trail he leaves behind. We did borrow a shirt from Cara so that he did not get sand burn on his stomach.

We went to our old Church today. The children did not go to childcare so I did not hear much of the sermon but Andrew said it was good. It was a satellite site. We are going to try another satellite as well as the main building of the Church to see where we feel like we fit.

Enjoy your Sunday.

Home schooling

I had wanted to home school Logan this summer when he started kindergarten but my dear husband was not a fan so we decided to put him in school and see how it went. Well, it went great and Logan had a wonderful teacher and truly enjoyed it. So both Andrew & I felt really good with our decision.

Then came CA. I called the Fremont school we are assigned to go to and found out that Logan would be #20 on the wait list to get in to our assigned school. They told us it would probably not be until 2nd grade that he would get in. So, basically, they would put him in one school and then when a spot opened up we could switch schools.

We were not happy with this at all. So, Andrew & I decided that I would home school.

We are 3 days in to it and I am LOVING it. I love having them at home. I love going on hikes as part of their school day. I love seeing their minds work. I love not being rushed in the morning to get to school.

Now, this is all new to me and I need to do a lot more research. I have ordered some books and Logan's teacher gave me a lot of things to do. But I am glad I am getting the chance to try this.

We went to Santa Cruz beach this weekend. It was SO much fun. They kiddos loved it. I have pics of Brandon at the beach crawling through the sand but I can't find the cable that connects the camera to the PC. I hope to find it in the boxes soon and post some pics. We also met my friend Cara who has a son Logan's age and Brandon's age. I think Logan & Kendra had so much fun having another child to play with as it had just been the 3 kiddos all week.

Okay, Brandon is up so off to start our day. Enjoy yours!

Christmas, Easter, and Kendra's 4 year old pics